The quote taped to the front of that journal says:
“The most dangerous risk of all — the risk of spending your life not doing what you want on the bet you can buy yourself the freedom to do it later.”
After a highly scholastic google search I discovered this was a quote from Randy Komisar. Mr. Komisar is the author of the Monk and the Riddle: The Education of a Silicon Valley Entrepreneur. I confess I have not read this book (it’s now on the list)! The quote, however, resonated deep down inside me.
I’m currently sitting at my desk after another largely unproductive week. I had a conference call that reminded me that I’m not meeting expectations my employer has set for me. It sucks! I am a very smart and very capable person, but it is an absolute grind for me to summon any motivation to do my job.
At this point, it is worth noting that I suffer from depression. I’m lucky in the sense that it is not deep rooted paralyzing depression. I largely am able to function. I am able to make it out of bed and out the door everyday. I just don’t have it that bad. However, I do have a constant and low level of depression. It affects my motivation. It affects my energy and it affects my “drive.”
This ties into my job, because it is just drudgery for me. It’s pulling teeth to focus on the task at hand. I’m at a small office and often the only one here, so I don’t have a lot of external pressures. This requires me to self motivate, which is a struggle given the depression.
I can’t help but think if I enjoyed my job more, these obstacles to productivity would be lessened. That I would be excited to get to work and excited to do my job. Some of that is wishful thinking and I acknowledge that my happiness comes from within. However, my environment is a reflection of my inner life. So it is sort of a chicken and egg situation. A paradox. This reminds me of one piece of Buddhist wisdom that confounds me (I have no idea where I heard this):
“If you aren’t happy now, how can you possibly expect to be happy in the future.”
This post is a ramble, it goes nowhere and that is okay. The take away is that I am not enjoying what I am doing, so I believe I should be doing something different. I don’t know what that entails. However, I do know that this photo is now attached to my Journal and will always be a part of me!